Be a Champion Dad

It is that time of year where the temperature starts to rise and we open the windows to let the fresh air in. Spring cleaning seems to be a rite of passage for those of us in New England. Smelling the spring air waft through your living space is a wonderful moment as it signals that warmer days are upon us. As spring fever sets in we work to put away winter clothes and to sweep away the thoughts of a cold winter.

Spring often represents new beginnings and a fresh start. It is an exciting time where the world comes alive again. This year not only did our household start spring cleaning early (shout out here to my wife!) I took it upon myself to clear out my phone! Yes-my electronic device received a thorough cleaning. In many respects digital clutter is just as bad as physical clutter. It distracts our mind, makes things harder to find and can cause stress with the sense of being overwhelmed.

In my digital declutter effort I focused on two areas; unused applications and photos. What a world of difference this effort has made. I can now see the background photo on my phone and I can easily locate the applications I regularly use. Also, removing all photos (delete or back-up) that held no value makes all of my favorite photos easier to find (imagine trying to find your kids in a larger crowd…so much easier when the crowd is gone!).

Through this process I found two gem worthy items from my photos that I have populated here. This first one is from the book Philosophy for Life by Jules Evens. The four steps below outline the Socratic tradition. In many respects the Champion Dad mindset is a stoic mindset and wonderfully align with these thoughts.

1. Humans can know themselves. We can use our reason to examine out unconscious beliefs and values.
2. Humans can change themselves. We can use our reason to change our beliefs. This will change our emotions, because our emotions follow our beliefs.
3. Humans can consciously create new habits of thinking, feeling and acting.
4. If we follow philosophy as a way of life, we can live more flourishing lives.

The second thing, posted below in green, I have no idea where I found it or who wrote it! So if anyone can identify who this is please let me know so I can provide credit (Contact). I am putting it here because it is a great reminder that we only have one life to live. To have the greatest impact on others we must first start with taking care of the self. This one really hit home with all of the trials I have gone through this winter:

You’re going to realize it one day- that happiness was never about your job or your degree or being in a relationship. Happiness was never about following in the footsteps of all of those who came before you; it was never about being like the others. One day, you’re going to see it- that happiness was always about the discovery, the hope, the listening to your heart and following it wherever it chose to go. Happiness was always about being kinder to yourself; it was always about embracing the person you were becoming. One day, you will understand that happiness was always about learning how to live with yourself, that your happiness was never in the hands of others. It was always about you. It was always about you.

WOW! So true! Follow your bliss and then be of service to the world to help others do the same thing!

Get cleaning and let the fresh air fill your soul will excitement and love!

Be well

-MJ

Photo by Daniel von Append via Unsplash

Guess what? I am a terrible listener. I am especially bad when I am in the middle of a task or if someone is talking to me while I am watching my kids. You see, I am sharp enough to believe that I can “multi-task” but if I am not fully locked on to the person just about all of my retention goes bye-bye.

This drives my wife bonkers and leads her to not feel valued. A real life example of how something small thing can corrode a relationship is as follows:

A few weeks ago while I was unloading the dishwasher my wife was explaining (for the second time) how to make iced-tea the way that the kids and her like it. I half listened and gave her all the verbal cues that I got it. In that moment I conceptually understood what she was saying and thought I got it but the reality is it never stuck. One week later, my wife asked me to make some iced-tea before I went to bed. I thought “I got this!” but I had a problem: I couldn’t remember the right mix of tea to use. So I asked through text but being late I never received a response. As such, I took my best guess and made it incorrectly…you can imagine the delightful conversation that ensued the following day.

You may think that my example is no big deal and it is just iced-tea but is this really about tea? No, it is really about my inability to listen and make my wife feel heard and valued. Small things and big things; we if do not listen we are hurting the relationship. Feelings of not being valued do not care about circumstance.

Here are a few things that we all can work on to ensure that we truly listen to the other person. When we employ these techniques not only will we retain what they are saying but they will also feel honored.

1. Stop what you are doing and square up with that person. This first step is really critical. First, stopping what we are doing allows us to shift gear and focus solely on the person talking. Second, squaring up with the person (turning so our body is is facing them directly) signals to them that they have our full attention. Squaring up also will help our brain focus and drop the other task it was in the process of doing.
2. Mirror what the other person is saying. This is as simple repeating the last two or three words of their last sentence. Example: Wife: “Let me show you how to make the iced-tea correctly”. Me: “Iced-tea correctly?”. Mirroring in this nature invites the speaker to tell you more and makes them feel honored. Also, when we verbalize and repeat what we hear we to start to lock it in our long term memory.
3. Label ANY emotions that you pick up on. Using the example above labeling would sound like: “Seems like you are frustrated” or “Sounds like you are agitated”. What is so great about this technique is labeling negative emotions will decrease that emotion for the other person. Labeling positive emotions will have the opposite effect; they will increase! Additional tip: Don’t use phrases like “I think I am hearing” as these do not work. Placing “I” when labeling puts the focus on us and we don’t want that. Remember, the focus needs to be on the speaker.
4. When, and only when, the speaker is done speaking, paraphrase what you have heard so they know that you understand. The goal of paraphrasing is to make sure we got everything important that they said. We will know when we have done a great job when you hear back “That’s right”. That’s right is confirmation that they have been heard and that we understand what they are communicating.
5. If needed, write down what you need to remember. This is so simple and allows us the grace to return to our task without worry that we will forget the conversation. From my original example, I now have a note on a bulletin board in our kitchen on how to make great iced-tea!

Good listening is a true art form. It takes practice to do it well. I am still not the best listener but I am sure working at it. Employing these techniques will work wonders. They will make the other person feel validated (stronger relationship) and help us meet any expectations we have agreed to.

Be well

-MJ

Photo by Ellie Lord via Unsplash

For this week’s post I could have taken part 2 and amplified it to include others in your life. Yet, that would seem too easy. So for today’s post we are going to walk through some basic principles that are the foundation for joy to manifest in a family setting.

Belonging & Community: Families that thrive in joy have a deep relationship to self and their community. Regardless of personality type or demographics (religion, nationality, age, or gender) a person’s greatest need (yearning) is to be seen, heard, validated and understood. Joy appears in the places where a person can be their authentic self and share their uniqueness with others (see post: The Balance: Authenticity & Belonging). The beautiful thing about environments that support authenticity is they allow the individuals to grow at their own pace and in their own way. Safe environments are fertile soil where joy can take root.

Nature: Spend time as a family outside in nature. Make it an automatic for your children (and you) to spend time outside each day (regardless of weather). Nature can alleviate all anxiety and depression. It increases resilience, self-image, and the ability to engage socially. The long story short on nature is that it heals the brain. As we spend time in nature we are stimulated by all of our senses. This is because nature is not a controlled environment. Sights, sounds and obstacles happen all on their own and we have to navigate them. Nature prompts us to forget about the self (think of all the times you got completely lost in something and forgot self and time…..this only happens through joy. It never happens when the brain is fixated on the self with anxiety).

Next time in nature watch your children…I bet you they are playing fully in the moment and not consumed with thoughts of self. And as such, they most likely are exhibiting spontaneous acts of joy.

Sense of Higher Power: Higher power can mean different things to different people. You may have your own definition (God, religion, spiritual sense or philosophical constructs) but for our purposes here we will define it at a high level. Higher power is that life is greater than the individual. No matter how much we learn or discover we will never have all the answers on why we are here and what this life is all about. Overall, there is something greater at play than what our minds can comprehend. Allow time to contemplate the mystery of it all and how we each fit beautifully into life’s continual play. Having an understanding of a higher power or higher order prompts us to keep things in perspective. Maintaining an element of mystery in our lives allows life to shine its novelty and can even pull us out of our darkest moments. Having a sense of high power allows us to savor the time we embrace those around us.

Risk: Risk is important because it pushes the soul. I don’t mean risking of life but trying things even when the outcome is unknown. When we push forward and don’t know how it will end we are experiencing life fully. We live on the edge and feel truly alive. Think of some of your greatest moments from your life. I bet most of what you can think of contains an element of risk and the unknown. Big and small victories in our life contain the element of risk.

Risk is crucial for the development of children (see post: 5 “Dangerous” Things Your Kids Should Do and Outdoors and Unsupervised…Let’em Play). Life is full of risks and challenges and children need opportunities to develop the skills with managing risk and making informed judgements about risk. Risk in play helps children to develop important life skills that pay-off later in life. Risk management is an essential building block that all children should practice. 

Humor and Play: I love to be a goofy dad whenever I can. Making my kids laugh is one of the greatest treasures of fatherhood. We also play a lot of games…even chores we turn into a fun activity. Creating environments where humor and play are the norm allows joy to manifest and become habitual. For more information on creating more laughter check out post: 5 Ways to Increase Laughter in Your Home.

“Laughter is the GPS of the spirit. It is the sun that drives winter from the human face. It grounds us in a place of hope and is a source of creativity.” -Jeanine Fitzgerald

There is nothing better than creating joyous experiences for you and your family. As you go through your day reflect on those things that bring you joy or that you get completely lost in. It is those things that will provide you guidance on building environments where joy is the norm.

Be well

-MJ

Photo by Karina Thomson via Unsplash

Last week we covered the main difference between happiness and joy. As a super light recap, happiness is something that we chase and is fleeting (cannot hold on to) while joy emerges through the process of a life well lived (sustainable). This week we will take a dive into the habits that have shown to provide the best chance to live a fulfilled and joyous life.

Note that these bullet points are not listed in any order of significance. As you read you may see that you already do some of these while others may seem a bit foreign…that’s ok. To plant the seeds of a joyous life you do not need to master all of these. Usually, if you are progressing on a few the benefits will show.

• Work towards a dream, vision, or a goal. Why do you wake in the morning? When you add up all of your actions throughout the day where is it taking you? When we have a vision for our life we have a star to guide us. Also, we can have many different goals (big and small) or destinations along the way. Those who are tethered to a goal/dream experience less depression and anxiety as they walk with purpose.

I can personally attest to this. Prior to following my dream my life was a grind. My pursuits, while fun, often left me hollow when achieved. Take time to build goals to aim towards. Doing this will breathe oxygen into your life.

• Move! I could have stated exercise here but that word tends to come with a lot of extra baggage (routines, club memberships, pain…). Just get up and move more than you did yesterday. Moving the body immediately changes the chemistry of the mind and kicks off all of your happy chemicals. If you can, move OUTSIDE. Nature entices all of our senses and heals the mind. Go outside and smell the fresh air, hear the sounds, feel the earth under your feet.

My personal favorite is walking. This form of exercise all of us can do. We are designed to do it and it is magic to clear the mind of all of the unnecessary thoughts that have clogged our day.

• Create healthy relationships by expressing gratitude often. I am sure you have heard of adopting an attitude of gratitude. Well, this really works. Gratitude puts things in perspective (what matters) and when shared with others it strengthens relationships. We so often walk through life thankless. I challenge you to express more gratitude each day. You will be amazed how it changes your mindset to joy and will provide joy to the other person. Learn to praise and thank the ordinary (Ex. The barista provides your favorite latte perfect everyday…tell them how awesome it is). Often it is what we take for granted that needs the boost of gratitude.

On the flip side, if you have some unhealthy relationships learn to place some boundaries around them. I tend to struggle with this one. I often put too much energy in trying to win another person over who has no desire to change or meet me half way. Remember: attitudes are contagious. Carry gratitude at all times and walk away from those are discordant.

• Maintain a positive attitudes when things don’t go well. Sometimes we don’t win the game or achieve what we set out to do. This is ok and all we need to do is keep a healthy perspective to move on. It is best to understand that winning and losing are only mindsets. Having a better attitude in any situation will create a win even when the chips are down. Either we are winning or we are learning. Cherish our wins with gratitude and seek out the silver lining when we don’t come out on top.

• Be of service to others! Magic happens when you give your time, money, and attention to another. Volunteering is a wonderful way to be of service. Just like moving (listed above) taking time to be of service to others wards off depression. Moreover, adopt a service mindset. What I mean by this is when you look at your life as a life of service (who can I help now?) we drop the habitual attitude of narcissism. Life becomes fulfilling when we look at our lives as a part of a whole instead of the vacuum of the me, me, me, attitude.

• Take full responsibility for your life and don’t take things personally. This point I can write another post on (and most likely will). There are no victims in life. Everything that we have decided and chosen to do has brought us to this moment…and brought the results that we are experiencing now. Take ownership of your past, present, and your future. Even if you believe in victimhood it is better to adopt an ownership attitude. Taking full responsibility gives you control and places you in the drivers seat. Own your life and drive it to the destination you have defined above (Vision, Dreams, Goals).

Taking on this attitude helped me pull myself out of a serious depression about twenty years ago. I cannot stress this point enough and the power it will give you. Ownership clears out all of the self-defeating excuses. It also makes the journey more rewarding as your life unfolds. Now, certainly we cannot control the world and how it interacts with us but we can own how we move and take action (or reaction) going forward.

Hopefully you have found a couple of habits to work on here. These are tried and true in my life. The results of these habits have spoken for themselves in my day to day. Not every day is perfect but I find myself with a sunny disposition more often than not!

Next week we will elevate these concepts to parenting and the home environment. Stay tuned….

Be well

MJ

Photo by Anastasia Petrova via Unsplash

Today’s post will be the the first of a three part series: Cultivating Joy. In this post I would like to bring some awareness on the differences between happiness and Joy. There are clear distinctions between the two and understanding these differences can help you cultivate wellness in you and your family’s life. The second post we will offer up great habits to adopt to cultivate lasting joy in your life. The third post we will work through how to coach your family to stop chasing happiness and bring up some good strategies on growing joy.

Below (in yellow) is from the page: Champion Dad’s Vision. Joy is a pillar that all dad’s (people) should strive for.

Joy: Through their encouragement of others they have a positive impact on everyone they meet. They tend to be happy go lucky by nature and are willing to try new things to experience life fully. They are the rock, or the person called when things go wrong. They are able to endure hardships with a sense of playfulness. Their actions speak to a win, win, win (expansion of self, expansion of others, expansion of community).

While on a recent vacation with my family I watched my kids closely on what makes them happy. Over a few days a pattern emerged and I could determine what gave them happiness and what allowed joy to emerge. From these observations I started to watch other families and the same pattern applied.

Coming back from our vacation I pulled together all of my notes that I could find on happiness and joy (yes, I collect and write down anything that speaks to me through life, training, movies, work…you name it…I am a collector of thoughts). What I found aligns with everything that I observed. With this, let us take a moment to delineate the difference between happiness and Joy. Having this basic awareness will give us a foundation to stand on for our next two posts.

Happy: feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.

Joy: a feeling of great pleasure and happiness.

Boy, those two definitions sound very much the same don’t they?! Well, they really do point at each other so let’s analyze.

Joy is manifested through living a good life. It is the result of living up to our values and living out our authenticity through our actions. It is a positive response to things going well and being lead well. Joy is something that emerges within us. Joy usually comes through the giving of the self to something or others. Joy is steady and is most often found in wonder and gratitude. Joy involves self forgetting.

Happiness is an emotion that is pursued. Happiness typically comes from achievement. Happiness is briefly attained when we receive something. It is fleeting and comes and goes like all other emotions. Happiness is the dopamine hit the brain triggers when we get something we desire.

Here are a couple of examples of each from my vacation I noted above:

Happiness example: Our hotel had an arcade, water park, and professional climbing walls. My kids chased happiness to go to the arcade. They were happy on the walk there (anticipation). They were then quickly consumed with desire to play the candy claw game. Happiness returned when they received candy. Once the candy was obtained they were consumed by their next achievable desire. They chased happiness bug all around the arcade until their money ran out. Their excitement and happiness was fleeting at best and not sustainable.

Joy example: My son each day worked on the climbing walls at the hotel. Over three days he got better and better. On the third day he completed the hardest climbing wall to the amazement of all who watched (he just turned six). Moreover, my daughter completed a hard balancing pool obstacle on day two. She was scared but pushed through it to the end. Their contentment was pure and could be seen for days after. My joy watching them give themselves to an effort (self-forgetting) and living up to their goals was something that will never go away (sustainable).

So next week we will really flesh out some great personal strategies to manifest Joy. Over this next week, take time to review things in your life that you chase for happiness and note all things you do where joy emerges. The ultimate goal is to realize that joy is sustainable and is found in the process of living….happiness, on the other hand, is fleeting and comes and goes based on what we achieve or get in the moment.

Aim for sustainable enjoyment….life is more peaceful that way.

Be well

-MJ

Photo by Sebastian Leon Prado via Unsplash